Marriage: The Charm of “Thank You”

Consider this scenario:
A husband buys a house for his family. You ask the wife if she thanked her husband. Wife replies with a surprise, “Why is that necessary?”
You answer, “Because he bought a house!”
Wife says, “Yes, but its not for me. He lives there too!”
You remind her, “Yes but what's wrong with being grateful?”
Wife says, “No I didn't [thank him]. But I'm spending so much time and energy decorating the house just the way he wants it. Doesn't that show I'm grateful?”
What is this sister missing in her marriage?
Verbal gratification.
Unfortunately, this is a common scenario I have noticed in many marriages where gratitude is not expressed through words; assuming that the spouse will automatically know that a certain action of kindness was done in response to his/her initial action of goodness.
A simple “Thank you” can mend a relationship and the lack of it can break a marriage. Words of gratification have magically positive effects on us. Research has proven the positive and productive effects of verbalizing gratitude with a simple “Thank you”. Numerous businesses actually train their directors and supervisors to thank their employees in order to increase the productivity of their work.
This powerful effect of verbal gratification is not only limited to professional lives, rather, these words of appreciation play an integral role in our daily personal lives as well. Unfortunately though, many of us use them very conservatively, missing opportunities of improving relationships in our lives.
Although both husband and wife need to express gratitude, this article is specifically addressing wives because:

1. As a wife, I can better advise wives.
2. Being ungrateful to our husbands can lead us to a very problematic situation on the Day of Judgment.
3. It is better to divide the article into 2 parts, one addressing specifically wives and the other for husbands, so inshā'Allāh in the near future MM will publish an article offering tips to the husbands.

Verbalizing appreciation to our husbands is one of the easiest ways of increasing love and respect in a marriage, not to mention a way of scoring high with the husband and increasing the amount of love we receive from our spouses; yet, regrettably, it is one of the most under-said words.
Sometimes it is easy to become comfortable and assume that “thank you” is implied and, therefore, unnecessary to repeat. This misconception can affect the quality of a marriage. Let not shaytaan trick us into thinking that gratitude is an inner feeling that is more meaningful when showed in actions. Gratitude is more than an inner feeling and, in addition to our actions, it must be shown through our words as well. Humans are in need of hearing the expressions of appreciation and gratitude. It is not merely a feeling that we hold within ourselves and assume that our husbands will miraculously recognize as gratitude through our actions.
Rest assured, our gratification doesn't have to be a grand overture of thanks. Usually, just simple acknowledgement will go a long way. For instance, whenever my in-laws come to stay with us, the load of work increases tremendously. During those times, at the end of a stressful day, my husband's simple “thanks” refreshes me and makes me more energetic for the next day.
Let's not wait for big events; rather let it become a daily habit of thanking our husbands for simple small things, energizing the productivity of our marriage through simple small words. Like:

• When you get in your car in the morning and find that the gas tank has been filled, send your husband a “Thank you” text.
• When he picks up milk and bread for the next day, put a smile on your face and genuinely thank him.
• When he helps the kids with the homework.
• When he helps clear up the table.
• When he helps clean up the kitchen.
• When he throws away the trash.
• When he takes the kids to the masjid to pray.

A simple “thank you” makes a husband realize that not only does his wife acknowledges the hard work, but also appreciates it. Without the expression of gratitude, a wife can be easily assumed for being unappreciative. Let it be clear that if we aren't thanking our husbands often, most likely, we aren't showing it in our actions either; because true gratification is acknowledgment in the heart, expressing it through words and showing it in our actions.
A common complaint that I hear from wives when I encourage them to express their appreciation is that they themselves feel unappreciated.
During another session of marriage counseling, the wife mentioned that her husband had put the baby to sleep one night. I interrupted to ask her if she thanked her husband. She looked at me with shock and surprise and said, “Why should I?”
I reminded her, “Because he put the baby to sleep.”
She insisted, “That's his child too!”
“True but he helped you nevertheless.”
“I put the baby to sleep every night, he doesn't thank me every time.”
True that although both spouses need appreciation, let us wives be the first ones to thank our husbands and earn some extra ajr by taking the initiative of a good act.
Remember marriage doesn't always have to be about tit for tat. It is about giving whatever we can without keeping a scorecard.  Also, by taking the initiative we may be able to remind our husbands the importance of expressing gratitude. Moreover, the Prophet especially advised the women to be thankful to their husbands. The way I look at it is an example of a woman who has a treasure locked behind a door and she is holding the key in her hand. If she waits for the door to miraculously open without her unlocking the door first, then not only its an unreasonable expectation, but she would also miss out on all the treasure awaiting her initiation. Similarly, when a wife takes the first step of being appreciative, she opens up the door of love, respect and appreciation from her husband.
Another important issue to consider is that our gratitude doesn't have to be limited to those things that were not our husband's responsibility, but he took care of them to help us. Let's not be stingy, let's moist our tongues with thanking the most important human being Allāh blessed us with by making a habit of occasionally saying/texting/emailing a “Thanks” for:

• Going to work every day
• Being a good husband
• Being a responsible father
• Some days, on your way back from grocery shopping, text your husband thanking him for providing for the family and being a responsible man.
• Thank him for taking time to listen to your rants
• And some days just say, “Thank you for sharing your life with me.”

There is nothing more beautiful than receiving a text/call/email from your spouse in the middle of a busy day, randomly expressing their gratitude.
Additionally, don't shy away from thanking your husbands in front of others including his family and especially the kids. By showing gratitude in front of the kids, we:

• Teach our children to be thankful to their father
• Train our daughters to show appreciation to their husbands in the future
• Teach our sons the necessity of being responsible family man

In his book, The Sword Against Black Magic, Abdussalam Bali mentions the story of a wife who cast a spell on her husband so he would always love her. In short, later on shaikh advises women that instead of resorting to magic they should make du‘ā’ to Allāh to increase love in their marriage.
My advice to sisters, in addition to making du‘ā’ to Allāh of course, use the permissible spell Allāh has encouraged us to use on our husbands, and among those spells, one of the most important ones is the charm of “Thank You”.
Let's not finish reading this article until we email/text/say to our husband, “Thank you for being my husband.”

Child + Teacher + Parent = Quran Lessons

Cold, sitting on a wet rock, he would wait outside his teacher's door for hours, waiting for him to come out so he could ask him a question. That was imām Malik as a child, whose hunger for learning kept him there and respect for his shaykh deterred him from knocking on his door lest he disturbed him. That was a time when teachers of Qurʾān were held in such high esteem. Unfortunately now the roles are reversed and we find teachers chasing students, calling them and waiting while they find their hijab, make wuḍūʼ or drag their feet to Qurʾān class. They get the eye roll when the students are stopped if making a mistake.  The empty stares, moms bribing kids to read one more page, mushafs are left in the car only to be hastily looked at for a few minutes before class. The same mistakes of madd, over and over again.
“The best of you are those who learn the Qurʾān and teach it to others.”
Despite this hadith being so familiar to most of us, I can not tell you how many times I have heard a Qurʾān teacher being referred to in derogatory terms – in some Muslim countries they are treated like servants, worse that the children's nanny. If you don't respect them personally than please respect the Kalam of Allāh that they teach and give them honor based solely on the majesty of what they teach: the Qurʾān.
The following is advice that Amir Al-Mu'mineen, Ali bin Abi Talib, may Allāh be pleased with him, gave: “From the rights of the learned over you is that you do not ask too many questions, you do not divulge his secrets, you do not backbite about him to anyone, you do not look for error in him, if he made a mistake you accept his excuse. It is incumbent upon you to respect and magnify him as long as he keeps Allāh's orders; you should not sit in front of him; if he has a need the people should race to serve him.”
In a hadith related by At-Tirmithi the Messenger of Allāh, (saw) said, “He is not of us who does not respect our elderly, is merciful to our youth, and knows the rights of those who teach us.”
Qurʾān lessons are a combination of effort on behalf of the children, the teachers and the parents. Many of us have played one of these roles, I have played all three. I feel many times the teacher, the child or the parent want to say the following things to each other but don't out of humility, cultural taboos, or just can't be bothered. Hope this will spark some very important conversations.
What a Qurʾān teacher wishes s/he could say to the parents:

1. We are human beings and your child's teachers, please accord us more respect or at least the same that you would give to you child's secular teachers.
2. If you are paying us, please treat it like any other bill and pay us promptly – we would not charge for this noble cause unless our homes did not run on this money.
3. Please be punctual – value our time, especially when we teach without payment as it is usually time we take away from our own families.
4. Inform us in advance if you are canceling the class.
5. Have the students use the bathroom and make wuḍūʼ before lesson time as valuable time is wasted.
6. Have your child dress appropriately for Qurʾān class – the adab is head/satr covered, no faces or bad language on clothing.
7. Please teach your children to respect us – if you call us names at home they will internalize this attitude, too.
8. Revise the lesson at home especially if your child only comes a few times a week.
9. If we have moved them back from one lesson to another it is usually because they haven't completely learned the skills in that particular lesson.
10. Don't be offended or take it personally if your child is not performing well and we talk to you about it – we have their best interests at heart.
11. If you are unhappy about anything please talk to us without your child present – it weakens our authority when your child knows that you do not respect us.
12. Many parents question why the child is spending so much time on the “Qaidah” or “Yassarnal Qurʾān.” Let the teacher spend the time required to learn the foundations, if the makharij are messed up then it takes a lot of work to fix them at a later stage.

Since I am not a hifidh teacher, I asked what one would say to parents: These are thoughts of a hifdh teacher:

1. Please don't tell me how to do my job…Memorizing a few surahs is not the same as memorizing the whole Qurʾān.
2. I am a teacher, not a miracle worker.
3. Don't enforce your selfish expectations on your children. Accept them for who they are and I guarantee they will perform better.
4. Please do this for the sake of Allāh and not as a status symbol. You're affecting your child's education in ways you do not know.
5. Your child will not die because he has the sniffles…Don't make him miss days unnecessarily.
6. If you don't make sure they learn their lesson at night…..you can't expect them to become hafidh.
7. Do not make long term plans, they do not work…make short term realistic plans.
8. Please do exactly as I tell you, or else don't blame me when things are not going well.
9. I love my students very much and we have a very deep bond…that is why I am hard on them; not because I have a bad temper.

What a child wishes s/he could tell their Qurʾān teacher:

1. Please do not hit me if I do not know my lesson.
2. Smell good it is hard to learn when the teacher doesn't smell good.
3. Tell me if I did a good job – it motivates me.
4. Please do not humiliate me in front of the whole class.
5. Urge me to read more even if I am being lazy, sometimes I just need an extra push.
6. Please do not take me back all the way to the beginning of the Qaidah or Qurʾān if I have already done it – it is so discouraging – maybe you can review the past lessons AND give me new lessons too.
7. Tell me your rules upfront because every teacher is different and sometimes I may do something because my previous teachers let me.

To be fair and since I am a parent, I realize that there are all sorts of teachers – some good, some great and some…let's not go there. When looking for a person to teach Qurʾān to your child check and make sure the teacher has proper tajweed. A good Qurʾān teacher will not mind if you ask them to recite some verses to you or to someone who knows proper qiraat before choosing your child's teacher.  This shows that you are serious about your child's learning. Ask for references especially from parents in the locality. Ask if they teach individually or in a class format.
What a parent wishes the Qurʾān teacher knew:

1. Please do not hit my child to enforce a lesson – they will start hating coming to your class and in turn have horrible memories associated with learning the beautiful book of Allāh.
2. Please give my child proper attention and inculcate the love of Allāh's Book by being kind and gentle with them.
3. Keep us in the loop – let me know if my child is being rude or not performing properly.
4. As a parent I know my child better – please listen to our input about their learning styles or issues.
5. Encourage my child and reward him/her with positive feedback  especially when they did well or learnt their lesson properly.
6. Let us know in advance if you are canceling a class.
7. Please be sincere and do not treat this like a money-making scheme.

We would like to make a resource for our brothers and sisters looking for qualified Qurʾān teachers for thier children. So if you have had a great teacher and would like to pay homage to them or refer a wonderful Qurʾān teacher please leave their name or their school's name contact # ( with their permission) and location. May Allāh (SWT) make it a sadaqah jahriah for you.

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Tagged with: Education Hena Zuberi hifdh Islam Islamic Education manners muslims relationships Respect for teachers Respect for the Quran Students allah imam quran wudu

About Hena Zuberi

Hena Zuberi is the Editor in Chief of Muslimmatters.org. Currently, Hena is a Staff Reporter at the Muslim Link newspaper. A mom of four and a Green Muslim, she lives and preaches a whole food, organic life which she believes is closest to Sunnah. Hena has worked as a television news reporter and producer for CNBC Asia and WTN.

Print On Demand (Arkan)

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Do you love to write? Do you want to write your own book or already have a draft ready to be sent to a book publisher? In the competition between professional writers or beginner writers, the process of submitting your draft to a publisher can take a long time.

Print on demand or self-publishing could be one solution, so that your book can immediately be accessed by everyone. Ahmad Arkan Ichsan, student of HighScope published his own book by print on demand. “Innocent Fast Forward” is about the kids who lived in the World War II era.

Arkan also admitted that he was inspired by his own life story while he was bullied by some of his friends in his old school, so he preferred spending his time with a laptop and doing a lot of research in order to write his book to hang out with friends. He is also interested in history, especially the world war. And he put these ideas together and wrote a book.

“I also worry that my book would not be accepted by the Indonesian market. However, I think there are too many Indonesian writers who write their books in Bahasa Indonesia, in my opinion if I write my own book in English, it won't only be sold in Indonesia, but also the international market,” said Arkan.

“For now, I published the book myself and then print them at the regular printer. I am also selling these o friends before going to market. I promote my book on social media and my friends seem curious with my book, although so far there are only 5 people who have bought it,” Arkan added.

According to him, he sells his book for Rp 94.000,00/copy which is the typical price at bookstores. Arkan also said that book interest among Indonesian youngsters is relative and depends on the current trend.

“For example, The Hobbit, the book when it is released along with the film, there are many people who buy it. I think, when a book is filmed like Harry Potter, the fans think that the book version is better than the film, it can give the audience a wild imagination.”